Mother’s Day and Infertility

May 12, 2013

This Mother’s Day I thought I would be pregnant. I truly believed that I would be. I thought I’d have a swollen belly, and a glow that could not be matched. I thought I would be excited about welcoming a child, our child, into the world by the end of this year. I thought my mum, my sisters and I would be giddy with excitement. That my husband would be in love with me a million times over and we’d be talking about that painting I’ve had my eye on for the nursery.

Instead, I spent the day thinking about the mother I have. How strong and gentle she has been. How one day I would like to be just like her…But then I have to remind myself that things are different. That I’m different, that my body is different.

I thought I would feel sad today because unlike many other women, I’m one of those who won’t fall pregnant. But I didn’t feel sad today. I just kept feeling “oh my goodness I want to be a mother”. It’s a very real feeling, that. I want to have two children in my arms (actually three but then there aren’t enough arms for that) and I want to be like my mum. But I also want to be like a mum. I want to hold a baby, my baby, whilst I have lunch with my girl friends. I want to juggle 5 inch-heels and a designer handbag plus a baby bag.

This Mother’s Day I realized that it’s okay to want these things. And it’s okay to say that I want them, more than anything else in the world. That it’s okay to want things that may never happen. That’s okay too.

*I want to thank all my darling friends who even when celebrating a day dedicated to them as mothers took the time to include aunties, and mums-to-be, one-day-will-be-a-mum, and those who have lost mums in their messages and Mother’s Day wishes. You helped me celebrate being a woman today.

16 comments

  • sophboat

    I was thinking of you today Vanisha! I for one wouldn't be here without the wonders of IVF but there are still so many women who can't fall pregnant – hey that could even be me but I wouldn't know as I haven't tried yet.

    Motherhood is a beautiful priveledge but its not the only role a woman plays – I think being a daughter, wife and friend should be celebrated just as much even though we don't officially have 'days' for those! It's too late for me to articulate myself well but basically what I'm trying to say is that just because you can't have a baby in your tummy doesn't make you any less strong, gentle or beautiful than your own mum, and i'm sure herself, your hubby and friends would agree 🙂

  • Rachel

    I was really moved reading this post. It's been so lovely getting to know you Vanisha, and I'm thinking of you today.

    Sending you a hug
    Rachel x

  • Lindsay K

    Dear Vanisha,

    I have been thinking of you all weekend. I can't imagine what you are going through. Not being able to have children is something I think about often. And I know exactly what you mean about wanting to juggle 5 inch heels with a designer handbag and baby bags. All of the glamorous moments have been branded in my brain.

    This is such a moving post Vanisha. You are such a strong, beautiful woman. Motherhood is such a beautiful thing, but there are so many ways to be a mom. I think all of the work that you do for children is very much mothering and something to celebrate. Just know I'm thinking of you.

  • Tyne Swedish

    V, you will forever be seen as a strong woman in my eyes and you are so right. It is totally alright to want things even though you know they may never happen. I want things constantly that I know may never happen. It is a tricky thing, life, because you live it, but you never know what is going to happen next. It is so exhilarating, yet frustrating, because we want to plan for the future, but will have to accept that we will forever be blindsided by so much. I will forever think of myself as truly honored to be considered a friend by you.

    Poppie

  • The Life of Clare

    What a wonderfully honest post! You are a beautifully caring women, I'm sure that one day an incredible opportunity will arise! You are born to be a mother, maybe just not in the conventional way.

  • patrick

    Without you, nothing! All my love xo

  • Allison

    Wow, this is such a wonderful post. It is so beautifully and eloquently written. I may not know you, but I can feel your strength, your hope, and your grateful spirit in the way that you have expressed yourself. I hope that someday, in some way you will get to be a mother. It is one of my dreams, too 🙂

  • Iliska Dreams

    I actually was thinking about you when I woke up yesterday morning. Of course it is okay to say the things you want. I wanted a dozen babies, but my body would not let me, and I have no problem in saying this, or talking about my infertility problems.

  • Mother Down Under

    This is a beautiful post…I often think about how arbitrary Mother's Day…I really feel that a Woman's Day would be better…but then again if being a mother means being caring and nurturing then I think most women are naturally mothers in some sense.

  • thoroughlynourishedlife.com

    My best friend is on a similar journey. At the age of 25 she was told that she had better have her eggs harvested as she is experiencing 'premature ovarian failure'. Four weeks before her wedding she had her eggs harvested and they only got two viable eggs out of the procedure. My heart broke for her. She and her husband would be the best parents I could imagine. Their love for each other would only be multiplied by the blessing of a child when they were ready to have one. They have a long road to tread, but they have the love and support of all around them no matter what the outcome.
    In a similar way I am glad that you are surrounded by love as well Vanisha. Days like today are the hardest of all, when reminders are everywhere, but take heart in the fact that this journey is not at its end, and you have family, friends, and readers who are all wishing you arms full of little ones, no matter how they come to you.

  • lesley: the dream tree

    beautiful post!
    i struggle with the same issues and it's a very hard thing. i know there are lots of girls out there like us, actually a huge amount, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.

  • Lila Wolff

    Wonderful post Vanisha, I can't imagine what it's like and think it's beautiful that you are sharing this and being so honest.
    I wish there was something I could say to help ease what you are going through.

  • Stephanie

    This is a beautiful post. As a non-mother myself, I truly enjoyed Women's Day here in Russia. It was lovely feeling the celebration of womanhood and I'm grateful for the recognition of it on mother's day as well. While you're in a difficult situation, your desires are beautiful and I appreciate you boiving them.

  • Alzima Bano

    One day 'insha-allah' you will have a baby of your own!!! And you have got to be the strongest person I know!!!
    Love you loads!! And if there is a day to celebrate Strong, beautiful, smart and dedicated friends . . . I dedicate that day to you <3

  • santamonicafertilityLA

    For couples who fail to conceive after one year (and for women over the age of 35 after 6 months) fertility testing in these areas is recommended.

    Infertility Clinic

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