Dealing With Infertility

March 18, 2013

Infertility isn’t the easiest thing to deal with. Even harder when you’re a healthy 26 year old, who has always been careful about her body. And harder still when you’ve always wanted to be a mum. Or because you’ve always been told what a great mum you’d make. Or because you’ve always known you’d be a great mum.  Or maybe because you have an amazing husband who would be such a wonderful dad. It can’t be easy for anyone. Not matter what the circumstance. Am I glad I went to the doctors? Yes. I’m glad I found out what was happening. I’m glad I no longer have to wonder ‘if this month will be it’. So many of you have been asking how I am. It’s hard. I’m going to the tests and all the appointments on my own. It’s kinda of thrown me, even though I’ve always had an inkling that something was wrong. But the truth of it is that I’m actually okay.

It’s not one of those shallow ‘I’m okays’. It’s one of those, from the bottom of my heart, ‘I’m okay’. I was upset, and I did cry, perhaps 3 hours, in the past two weeks. Which isn’t bad. I’m stronger than I look. I’m not pretending to be strong. I’m not pretending to keep it together. I couldn’t keep it together if I didn’t naturally feel that way. If I needed to cry, and scream and lose it, I would. I’m not that strong. I just haven’t felt the need or desire to.

I haven’t blamed myself. I haven’t asked myself if I could  have done things differently to change this. Instead I find that I’ve been turning to what I’m thankful for. And of all the things I have – I have good health. I’m just thankful that my body has been so good to me. I’m healthy, I don’t have any problems. And if I have this health and the only thing I’ve had taken was the ability to get pregnant, than that’s okay. It truly is. Patrick and I have said no to surgery, and that’s it. There’s nothing more to be said.

I think it really makes a difference how you choose to look at things. I could have been angry and upset about it all. But I didn’t want to be. This coming for a woman who will get upset about food taking too long at a restaurant or bad customer service. I wanted to be graceful about the news I knew I was going to receive. But I also wanted to be honest about my emotions – to myself and others. I wanted to be thankful for what I have. And for most the part I’ve done just that. I cry. Who wouldn’t.

It has been tough and I’ve been selfish. All my friends and family – husband included have been under strict orders not to cry in front of me. I can’t look after myself and help others through their grief too. For the most part, everyone has been great. Patrick has been so strong. So strong. I can’t imagine what his grief must be like, but he has kept it together to help me. I couldn’t ask for more. With all the news, I’ve just done what I needed to do to look after me and that included not trying to be strong for everyone else. It sounds awful, but it’s the truth, and I was honest about this with my family. For the past two days, I’ve felt stronger, more able to be there for Patrick and my family, my mum especially.

What’s in store for us? I don’t know. I’m still doing tests and scans to make sure I’m completely okay. We’re thinking about adoption. We’re thinking about the work we do with children and young people. We’re surrounded by them all the time. And there is no shortage of cuteness on Patrick’s side of the family. Have you seen my nieces? Seriously, I don’t feel like I’m missing out – I feel blessed. Plus, the little one can actually say Auntie Vanisha now (not Auntie Nisha!), I ought to start a series on auntiehood!

My heartfelt thanks to you – you have no idea what your kind words have meant to me. Thank you for thinking of Patrick when I clearly was so focused on me. What amazing women you all are.

 

 

36 comments

  • Kat Campbell

    I'm glad you are finding your way through. I think that's all anyone can do, no matter what the source of the grief is. You're absolutely right that there is no correct way to feel or act.

    Thinking of you x

  • Katrin

    You are both so strong, Vanisha. And I admire you for that. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it was to find out for the two of you. I do know that you will find a way through this, because you are such an amazing couple. I am happy to hear that you are thinking about adoption. And you are also blessed with a wonderful family. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the strength you need! Hugs!

  • Connie

    I can't even imagine what you are going through, but I do admire you for sharing, that can't be easy. I'm looking forward to follow your journey on, maybe adoption or whatever is in store for you.

  • Jesss

    I'm so glad to hear you're doing okay – I'd be in pieces. Thinking of you and your husband.

    Jesss xo

  • Debby Steele

    You are such a beautiful writer and share so open and honestly. I am sorry that you are dealing with such difficult news. You are most inspiring and the grace you have shown is amazing. I totally and completely understand you not being able to deal with other's pain and your own at the same time – that is not selfish, it's smart. Cry when you need to. If you need someone to listen I'm here. xo

  • Winston

    Dearest V,

    In the long struggle for freedom here in South Africa, the woman's movement used the slogan, "When you strike a woman, you strike a rock." You have again proven the truth that lies within this saying. My thoughts are with you, and Patrick. May the road come up to meet you, and the wind always be at your back.

    Winston

  • Roomizah Abbas

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArgh! i wrote such a looooong comment n smthn happened and its all gone 🙁 but let me give u a summary of what i wrote..it was " stay put! be brave! let God handle this in His own way! and that i m praying for u n u pray for me too! " mwah!

  • BusiChic

    Hi Vanisha,

    Thank you for your post. Thinking of you and this reminder to indeed, be grateful for the health that we do have. XO

  • Leslie

    I sense so much relief Vanisha.. good for you for letting go. Your acceptance and love for your SELF is what matters and your bravery and honesty in sharing all of this is to be admired.

    Take it one day at a time and I'm always here if you need to talk.. xxleslie

  • Jacki

    The grace with which you're handling this is really wonderful. You're a lovely woman inside and out. I'm glad you have been able to find peace and acceptance despite the sadness, and have been letting yourself feel what you need to feel. No matter what, you and Patrick are a blessing to the children in your lives – whether that someday includes adopted children, or if you focus on being the best Auntie and Uncle you can, or – whatever is in store. Those precious nieces are wonderfully blessed and I know they bless you, too. Sending you warm and loving thoughts.

  • Natalia A

    I wish you good luck and hope that one day you will have a baby, your own or adopted – it will still be yours.
    Have you tried nutritional therapy? I am a nutritionist and aware of how a few slight changes can affect the outcome. I've seen many couples (and you BOTH have to participate, so don't do everything on your own if possible) who had good test results (as far as medical tests go) and thought of themselves as healthy, but only conceived after seeing a nutritionist, doing a few test we'd recommend and altering diet and lifestyle habits.
    It can be a long process for some, especially in their mid-30, but you just have to be positive and, as silly as it may sound, never try too hard as it may only increase stress levels (never a good thing)
    Wishing you all the very best.
    x

  • Crystal Ike

    Wow what a great post. I love how real you are and I love your blog for that. Thanks so so SO much for stopping by 🙂

    xoxo
    My Blog, Crystal's Beauty Corner

  • Tyne Swedish

    First let me say sorry for being such a horrible friend lately. There is no excuse. I am happy you sound loads better. And maybe adoption is what you two were supposed to do all along. I love that you made your self and emotions known to everyone. After my grandmother died I told everyone to stop asking if I was ok. No I'm not ok. But you really seem ok and that warms my heart. And I'm sure whatever you and P choose it will be great. My family has loads of fertility issue and I have chosen to not have children but for all I know I actually probably can't. It's a rocky road and I'm hoping I am making the right decision. Love you!

    Chao
    Poppie
    http://thepoppie.com

  • Jayme and Mendi

    One day at a time sweet friend. And it sounds like you have the best support system with Patrick and you two are going to get through everything…together. All of your blogger friends are here lifting you up. Love from the states!

    Jayme & Mendi @ Her Late Night Cravings

  • tiarenie

    You are so brave for sharing your story. I am amazed by your grace 🙂

  • Mrs. Pancakes

    Thanks for sharing this Vanisha…and you too are strong! What a blessing that Patrick is such an awesome man! I know it will all work itself!!

  • The Life of Clare

    I'm so glad you're smiling and you are honestly doing great.

  • s

    you are so brave for sharing your story. after miscarrying before, and conceiving- its all part of me and hubby's history. it makes you who you are, and you learn from the curveballs. I think that you are an amazing women and you WIL BE BLESSED. love to you. this post is an inspiration to many. LOVE this post xO!
    http://www.thehautecookie.com

  • Iliska Dreams

    There are no right answers or wrong answers. Just as there is not the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do when it comes to infertility. The only answer, the only thing to do, is what is right for you and your body. MY heart is with you, and Patrick.

    http://iliska-dreams.blogspot.com.au/.

  • Sara Louise

    You've truly become an inspiration to me through this. Thank you Vanisha for your honesty xo

  • Musa

    Thank you for sharing this. And you're right: you're graceful and that's really inspiring. Thank you again for your courage.

  • Chocolate Cookies & Candies

    Vanisha, I'm immensely proud of you for sharing this as it's a topic that most people shy from. I have a number of friends who have suffered (and some are still going through this) from infertility. It's heartbreaking. The emotional roller coaster. ((hugs)) Do keep us updated with your progress.

  • dodeline

    I had no idea Vanisha. My heart goes out to you and I hope that things work out for you however they are meant to. You just never know in life, and your attitude and strength are an inspiration!

  • Naturally Carol

    Hi Vanisha, you probably don't feel particularly courageous but this post really displays a strength and courage that I admire greatly. May doors always open for you to connect with children in many different ways.

  • Diana

    So sorry to hear this Vanisha, life throws us things sometimes and we just have to roll with the punches. Sending positive energy and thoughts your way xoxo

  • Nina Bille

    Hi Vanisha, your authentic words and honest thoughts touched me deeply ~ letting go of a dream is a loss, a process … Acceptance can be accompanied by grief, sorrow, thankfulness, new dreams … Such a blessing that you two as a couple can comfort and strengthen one another.
    People in similar situation can find comfort and hope in your words – sharing one's challenges and sorrows can be the strength in our weakness. Your heart and passion for people and children will find a way … Nina
    Ps. I found the following quite decently and it spoke to my heart: "Serenity comes when you trace expectations for acceptance"

  • Nina Bille

    * Oh boy – forgive me my spelling – *I found the following quote recently …

  • Julie Keller

    You are the amazing one Vanisha – being so open and honest with all that you're going through, how you're feeling and how you're dealing with it all. You are inspirational, and I hope your story can bring peace to others in similar situations. Another cyber hug to you my friend.

  • Elle Sees

    I completely know where you're coming from and my heart aches for you. It does. I love kids. being the oldest, I took care of the siblings and cousins. Everyone always remarked how I'd have a dozen kids. My friends call me instead of their own parents for advice on babies/children.

    I've always wanted kids, but put other things ahead of that because kids would happen later. So when I finally decided it was "later," I was devastated to find out it would never happen. My family is so fertile, it's a joke that the women get pregnant without trying. My Grandfather is one of fourteen, and there is no other case of infertility in my family. Just me. The one who wants children the most.

    So instead, I'm an amazing aunt, Godmother to 12, an awesome Nanny, and a "mom" to a puppy.
    Hugs and love to you.

  • toi

    my heart aches for you and patrick. thanks for sharing because your words are inspiring other women.

  • paisleysummer

    I can't imagine how you are feeling but you are very brave and I suppose it is better now you know the truth.
    I'm sure you will have an amazing and fulfilling life, filled with love xx

  • Patchwork Cactus

    That sux, sorry to hear darling. Good luck in your journey, wherever it takes you.

  • Cherie @ raising master Max

    My gosh,

    I have no words, other than that I am simply blown away by your … grace, reflection, strength, love, respect & all of the other things that are obvious about your personality from just this post alone (as I am only getting to know you tonight).

    I am really sorry that you're going through this, & I have to be honest, it's put into perspective some of the challenges my son has presented me this fortnight (it's nothing serious – just those terrible 2's), but your fertility battles have been a metaphorical slap in the face that I've really needed tonight.

    I don't want to say I'm sorry & have you not think I mean it, or say that I understand (when I couldn't), but before we had our son, we had miscarriages, & after we had our son we had more miscarriages. And so I don't know infertility, but I do know loss.

    I'm sorry that you're working through tough times at the moment, & I hope whatever happens – you're graced with Motherhood in a way that satisfies you, even if it's via those ADORABLE nieces!

    All my love,

    Cherie

  • Arni @ Travel Gourmande

    Hi Vanisha, I admire the way you're gracefully and courageously facing this with an open heart. Big hugs XX

  • mummawoosah

    Brave.inspirational.full of admiration for you dearest Vanisha. Your honesty, strength and courage …it's actually taken me a few days to be able to 'say something'…I'm sure there are many who read this and are in awe…may you continue to draw strength from wherever it is you do..you're touching many people's hearts with how much you've opened yours…xxMaddy

  • Kristina

    Thank you for sharing this personal story! Your strength and positive look on life is truely inspiring!! Kristina x

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